Asshole on Line 1

There are two things that I don't look forward to during a work day:

1. Having to take a dump in a public restroom
2. The asshole across the hall

What's so bad about this walking anus? He's a living reminder that common courtesy is not common. My primary problem with this human sphincter of the nether regions? His insistent usage of his speaker phone.

I seriously don't think he knows there is a handset on his phone. He uses the speaker for EVERYTHING:

• Work related
• Personal
• Voice mail
• While dialing

I shit you NOT! While DIALING! I am completely honest, and serious when I say he uses the speaker phone for EVERY call he makes. I have only seen/heard him use the handset ONCE, when his speaker phone conversation was getting too personal to be heard by everyone in the office. But because he uses the speaker phone all the time, I'm now starting to doubt my memory of this occurrence.

On top of that, he has the volume up loud, with his door almost always open. Of course, he has to talk loud, too. He doesn't seem to be going deaf, he's not old enough, or otherwise behaves like he is going deaf. So why he has to do this is beyond me.

What blows my mind is that he's not usually doing much while on the phone. He's a manager, not tech support! He's not usually using his computer while on the phone, and when he is, it's not like he's really typing anything up. He's just lazy and inconsiderate. Oh, and obviously unprofessional.

But he is a manager, and there isn't much I can say, especially now. He's not my boss, but he might be soon, no reason to burn any bridges. There is a reorganization happening at my work, and one of the jobs I posted for was in his department. Not that I would WANT to work under this guy, it's just that there are worse things that can happen.

Before I didn't say anything because I was not assertive enough, (read: pussy). But a month or so ago, I had a revelation about myself and my outlook on life, (being sick and taking expired prescription strength codeine cough syrup helped me in my little "vision quest"). Then the problem was, how can I confront him without using the phrases "inconsideration asshole" and "shut the fuck up". As in, "Please, shut the fuck up, you inconsiderate asshole. Everyone on this floor can hear you and your stupid speaker phone. Honestly, what makes you, or anything you do, so important that you need to use a speaker phone all the time?" You see the problem.

Then I realized, it wouldn't change anything if I said anything. When I worked on a different floor, I used to have this other guy in the office next to me do the same thing. It bothered me just the same then, but I could live with it because I had a little help. A co-worker of mine had no reservation about getting confrontational with him. Not only would she say shit, but when he persisted, she would actually go over and shut HIS door hard. Fucking beautiful!

I have contemplated using this in my situation, as well. But honestly, the same effect would happen: he wouldn't learn anything, his behavior would not change, and I would look like an asshole, too. Just like the other guy, he wouldn't just forget about my concerns, he wouldn't care. Both guys wouldn't say anything rude to you, just continue being obnoxious.

I only have a few of weeks left before the chips will 'fall where they may'. At that time, I'll figure out the best approach, if it is still an issue. In the mean time, I have my ear plugs, (which I don't like using, whether out of pride or inconvenience, I'm not certain). I do what I can to work around my problems concentrating, (primarily due to sound). While I might be more easily distracted by things like this than my co-workers are, that doesn't mean it is right, or that I should just grin and bare it.

I have other issues with the guy, but none have a direct effect on me, (right now). I just find it irritating how much, and for what, he uses his speaker phone. Especially, in light that down the hall sits his boss's boss, who has the decency to use a headset for his calls. Then again, you don't get really far in life by making a habit of being oblivious to the needs of those around you.

So if you use a speaker phone, try to moderate your usage of it, and try to keep the volume down and/or close your door. There are other alternatives, such as a headset, as well. You should always value common courtesy, because you never know which bridge you'll need to cross until you are staring at its burnt remains.

Or another way of saying it, "Be careful whose feet you step on now, they may belong to the person whose ass you'll have to kiss later."

The next time someone tells you to go to hell...

.. show 'em this card!

Also useful if some says, "You're going to Hell!" (Kind of like "Go to hell", but with a delay).

Wish I had this thing when I was growing up. I had a preponderance of born-again Christians in my neighborhood trying to "convert" me. I guess they didn't view Methodists as Christians, (kind of like Catholics with and everyone else).


EDIT: I originally said "kind of like Catholics, and everyone else", but this seemed to say I thought Catholics weren't Christians, when I meant to reflect THEIR beliefs concerning other denominations. But then again, this isn't fair, Catholics aren't the only ones like this. I would name them all out, but my hands would hurt from all the typing.

We're instituting a 'closed-door' policy.

Work is fine, as long as I shut the door and pretend no one is there. Working isn't a problem, being AT work is the problem. And by work, I mean the social environment. I like having an office to go to, especially one with a door, preferably closed. It's like going to the library to study. It eliminates distractions, and seperates work from home.

However, it doesn't work like that. You are thrown together with people you normally would have nothing to do with. Not that they are horrible people, just not people you'd choose to hang out with for eight hours a day, five days a week, for around fifty weeks a year. And if you are really lucky, you get to waste additional time with the random assholes on the bus, or on the road. Well, you get my point.

This is to say nothing of the actual work to be done. Again, working isn't the issue, stopping to think about your work's insignifigance is. The insignifigance of company policy, with all its associated, dehumanizing qualities. Makes you wonder if mental illness is just a by-product of these conditions, much like how animals in a zoo act. Stuck in an unnatural setting, for a questionable purpose, where you slowly tear your hair out and swim in the wrong direction for many hours straight.

Yes, we are in the Matrix, but it is very, VERY boring.


So to alleviate the boredom, let's talk about my bowel movements...


For a while now, I've been a camel. But instead of water it's, well.. shit. Damn Grape Nuts. It's hamster food, but addictive somehow. For a while there, I thought I might die from compaction. I was so constipated, that by the time I could crap again, it was like stone. It all came out in one, huge, spiralling piece. It was a fucking work of art!

That was last Thursday. Now, given the amount of BBQ I consumed this July 4, my problem is over, (though, I think it swung too much in the opposite direction).


I was going to start that Wikipedia contest today, but all I could come up with was 'asparagus' and 'John Malkovich'. Not sure if I should even explain this. To be honest, not sure the whole "contest" was a great idea. Maybe I'll change my mind, but I don't think I have the dedication, (just check my frequency of posting for a prime example).


Oh well...

Please don't judge me...

.. but THIS is fucking fun! It's kind of sick, (I mean, why a lady in a bikini?), but it's an addictive time waster. Try it, and see what I mean. (Then you can judge me).