Five questions, and what to do when someone passes out...

Here are my five questions courtesy of ESSFingers.


1. If time off from work and money was no object, what is the one place in the world you would love to travel to and why?

I'd be happy just to go back to Hawaii. I always thought the place was a cliche, and that since I wasn't a beach person, it would suck. But it was incredible, and defied my expectations. Wasn't into the touristy shit, but I'd love to live there. Though, since I've already been there, I probably should try somewhere else. Japan would be interesting, but I'd probably want to go to Europe, (specifically, Ireland, England, or Italy).

2. What is the one thing you would like to change about yourself, physically or otherwise?

I wish I had more self-discipline. To have the clarity and courage to cut the bullshit out, and get something done without distraction. I have issues focusing, but that's not an excuse when it comes to getting something done. There are work arounds for distractions, and delays are natural, but my will power is completely under my control, it's all me. Doesn't mean I have to be perfect, it means I should stop trying to be perfect.

3. If you could have any kind of pet what would it be and why?

I would say a bonobo. Look it up, I'll wait. Yea, pretty cool, huh? But I wouldn't consider it a pet as much as a funny roommate, (who doesn't seem to be able to pay the rent), that's always masturbating on people. I mean, it's a real ice breaker. Someone comes over, doesn't realize they are sitting in the bonobo's chair, pisses her off, she tries to start a fight, and instead relieves the social tension by rubbing her cooter on their face. Hey, it's better than a chimp, those fuckers'll rip your arm off! "Cute and cuddly", my ass!

4. In what order do you put your clothes on? (underwear first? right sock first? etc.)

Underwear, then pants, then shirt, and last, the socks. I don't put the socks on in a particular order, (you know, I like to mix things up, and keep things interesting).

5. If there was one decision that you made between the ages of 15-18 that you could go back in time and change what would it be and why?

Shit, that's a whole other post. But frankly, I wouldn't change a damn thing. My mistakes, as well as my successes, are what got me where I am today, and made me who I am. I may have complaints about who I am, or parts of my life, but they are all my choices, they are all me. Besides, I'm pretty content, I have an idea of where I am going, and how I am going to get there. I also wouldn't want to change anything, and risk never having Jules as my wife. I know it's a cop-out answer, but it's who I am.


If you would like for me to ask you five questions...
1. Leave a comment saying "interview me" if you'd like to be interviewed.
2. I'll respond by asking you 5 questions here. They'll be differentthan those above.
3. Update your blog with your answers to the questions.
4. When you do so, include this same explanation and an offer tointerview someone else in the same manner.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you'll ask them fivenew questions.


In other news...

Went to the Wilco concert this weekend, and they were pretty good live. Show was even more interesting, due to Chris passing out. He was trying to get out of the crowd since he didn't feel well, and on his way out, fell to the floor. In the process, he had grabbed the end of my shirt. Afterwards, he commented he felt bad about grabbing my shirt. I thought that was a silly thing to feel bad about given the situation, (and especially since he didn't tear it).

In fact, I felt bad because the first thing I thought when I saw him on the floor, holding onto the end of my shirt, was how the fuck he thought he was going to get up that way. The second thing, was that for a shirt I had recently commented felt like it had shrunk, it sure as hell could stretch a lot. Finally, I thought, "What the hell am I suppose to do in a situation like this? How am I suppose to help?"

The answer? Chris' brother, (thank god he was there). To read more about it from the source, go here. Again, Chris, I'm sorry I wasn't much help, (at least at that moment).

Another installment of ...

STALL WARS: REVENGE OF THE SHIT


[This actually happened two days ago. I wrote it at the time, but well, you know how I am.]


Why is it that I find it so easy to talk about taking a dump, while everything else I write never seems to come to fruition? I guess it is a great mystery of our times, (or not). Anyways, on to the newest episode:

Once again, I had to take a serious crap. Not the squeezing out of a Lincoln Log, but instead, the nasty Ebola kind. You know, it feels like you're shitting out your guts a little at a time. The painful variation of "mud butt". And on top of that, I was wondering what the last spicy thing I ate was. Explosive, painful, nasty, burning defecation, (guess I need more fiber, and less dairy, coffee, and spicy food). The kind of shit that deserves some privacy, (if only out of concern for others).

Guess what? I didn't get it.

I went down to the other floor I used to use a lot, because it was usually empty. It hasn't been that way in a while, but I can't seem to get that through my head. I keep foolishly hoping for some sanctuary, to no avail. If you guessed it was ocupado today, you guessed right.

So I come back up, and check my floor. Someone is there, of course. So I go back to my office, and suffer. Not because I was unnaturally holding back the mud slide with all my might. It was just so bad, the kind that makes you think you will grow a new asshole from your belly button and fart. If only that were so. I could hold out, but whether I would be in my office or a stall, I'd feel the same pain.

Thankfully, the pain passed. However, now things were feeling more urgent. So I get up and go to my floors restroom again. It has been fifteen minutes, and the same guy is in there. It's the same stall, and given some basic criteria, it's safe to assume it is the same person.

Thankfully, it sounded like he was wrapping up. So I go to a urinal, half because maybe peeing might help the urgency, and half to give me a convenient excuse to wait for a minute or so until the guy leaves.

It seemed to take much longer. What I hear when I came in sounded like someone pulling their pants up, or tucking there shirt in. But then it stops, and starts again. I started think the motherfucker was trying on clothes or something! Finally, the sound is interrupted by zipping. "Thank god," I think. Nope, more rustling. Shit, he IS trying on clothes!

The door finally opens, and I realize what caused the sound. The guy's shirt was either brand new, or the dry cleaners put an insane amount of starch on it. If he sneezed, it would sound like a newspaper blowing in the wind!

Of course, he takes fucking forever to wash his hands. You'd think he was scrubbing up for surgery! I would just go ahead and let lose, but I don't even approach the stall. I know, I'm weird, but I just have a hard time expelling my bowels around people I work around on a day to day basis. It's usually better when no one sees me, and I'm already in the stall. I'm just self-conscious, and taking a dump is a pretty private thing to me. Farting in public, especially in a profession environment, is a bad thing, but then I'm suppose to go in the bathroom and let loose in front of these very same people? Just seems odd to me.

So I finally settle down, and boy is it a bad one. People come and go, no big deal. Most of the worst part is done by then. Then I hear my boss's boss come in. He's talking to someone, and then one takes a piss, and the other sits in the stall next to me. I have a good idea the person taking a crap next to me was my boss's boss. Great.

Not too "vocal", thankfully. No grunting or moaning like he was giving birth to a brown baby boy, and minimal ass trumpet. By this time, I am trying to wrap things up, when another person comes in and sits in the other stall. The dreaded flatulence in stereo.

I guess some people don't mind the company, don't mind the chorus. I sure as hell have a problem with one other person being there, and I can't imagine hunkering down when there are two, especially, when there are only three stalls! I guess I should be glad there aren't more stalls, I'd probably choke to death. Seriously, what the hell is everyone eating on my floor!? I wouldn't be suprised if someone has tried to take a crap in a urinal before! And for god sake, what's the deal with all the "floaters" I come across!? The toilets flush themselves, is someone doing it on purpose? Are they trying to age the shit like cheese? And for what purpose?

Hmm...

I'm finally out of there, in the nick of time, before the third one really gets going. I wish the bathrooms were designed with more privacy in mind. Hell, gas stations are nasty, but at least you usually have privacy! Man, I wish there was a gas station or something around where I work, but no such luck.

Needless to say, another day, another shitty experience.

You know, I keep meaning to write...

It's been over a month since I last posted, it seems. It's not like I didn't have anything to post about. I just keep on writing "essays", and talked myself out of posting them.

Take this for instance, (also found here). People in the South are "banning" some IMAX movies because they are either about, or even just briefly reference, evolution. They find it "blasphemous", and of course believe in "Creationism", instead. Many, if not most, of these theaters in question are located at museums. Now, the last time I looked, if you had a problem with evolution, the museum might not be the place for you.

However, it's not so simple. No one is protesting or banning anything, really. Some theaters in the South decided to screen these movies for focus groups, just to determine marketability. And of course, they decided not to show it because of the focus group. They pussied out, took the overreacting and overcautious path, because of the slight possibility of low ticket sales.

This has some unintended consequences. For instance, a hesitation to produce more IMAX movies of this nature. Since IMAX movies are not incredibly profitable, they don't have much room to rock the boat. (Though, I do find it funny that a scientific movie about evolution is "rocking the boat".)

And the reason I didn't write this last week when it happened? I talked myself out of it. I started asking myself questions, put it into the proper frame of reference, and it wasn't as exciting to write about as I first thought. Sure, I live in the South, with these very ignorant people. Tragedy? No, (though, it sucks). Nothing illegal, nothing immoral, (in my belief), and nothing threatening to someone else's rights. Just some dipshits, (and you know what they say about legislating common sense).

But when you think about it, most things in the news are like that. Some event is blown out of proportion, has misleading details, or is oversimplified, to make it more news worthy, (and thereby increasing readership, and hence, ad revenue). A contraversy is found, usually by listening to the loudest people, who usually happen to be the most ignorant. Ignorance feeds on itself, and then the next thing you know, you have Tom Delay on TV getting red-faced for some reason.

That's why you didn't hear this on the news that much, if at all. It didn't have much to warp into an issue. Maybe I'm being cynical, but it seems this way to me.

I have a bit more on my mind, that I will write about tomorrow, (if I don't procrastinate again).