Shit Luck

Well folks, it happened again, (sort of). Yes, that's right, another bathroom "adventure" I'll title "Stall Wars: The Poo Strikes Back".

I go to another floor to drop a chocolate donation off, (which you think I would have learned that said floor no longer has less traffic than my own). Anyway, I go inside, and hear someone coming up behind me. Normally, I would go on right through one side and out the other, not wanting to have a flatulence accompaniment. But I was feeling the situation was rather "urgent", and I was hoping the individual would not enter the bathroom, or at least, just take a piss, (where I could wait him out).

Guess what? No such luck.

He sits in the stall next to me and clears his throat/sinuses. You know, that deep, old man clearing. Like a hundred years of mucus just dislodged. I then braced myself for what was bound to happen. That disgusting anxiety you feel when a character in a movie is about to remove something covering a corpse, and you wonder how stomach churning it is going to be. Well, that feeling.

Fortunately, all that followed was a long piss, and then nothing. Longer wait, and still nothing happens. I still brace for it, but nothing. I start hoping that it was just a silent one. But you know what they say, "silent, but deadly", so I got ready to gag. But still nothing happened.

I wanted to take a shit, but I just have a hard time "letting loose" with people around. It has to be REALLY bad for me just not to care. But usually, the worse it is, the more self conscious I am, the more I can hold back. So as you can tell, it has to be pretty bad, frankly, pretty involuntary. I can't say it is completely a subconscious mental block, but there is a lot of that to it.

So back to the story.. he still hasn't gone. I'm talking about well over five minutes. I start worrying this fucker is jerking his woody haroldson, when I realize he might be waiting ME out. It was quiet, a little too quiet. He, just like me, could not want a "neighbor", and hopes I will leave soon. That, or he's constipated, which in this situation, isn't much of a difference. Or maybe he's asleep, or dead. In which case, I could be waiting for a VERY long time.

So I bat at the roll of toilet paper, (which you kind of have to in order to dislodge them, because those cheap ones barely move), and crumple the sheets like I am finishing up. I was hoping he'd decide to wrap things, (or wake him up), from the sound. Hell, I'd already flush the toilet once. It was involuntarily, those damn motion sensor toilets are a pesky bunch. You fucking sneeze, they flush, then it sprays you with water, and then it turns unnaturally warm for some reason.

Either way, he got the idea and left, without wiping or washing his hands. I guess he didn't go, (or else, he's quiet as a ninja, and dirty as a crackhead). No difference, time for me to shit, right? Nope.

I guess the impending mudslide somehow reorganized itself as a log for later time. Isn't it funny how you can be sitting in a chair, afraid you are going to crap yourself, and then when you are on the toilet, everything is perfectly calm? Or maybe that just happens to me, and only when I'm in a public restroom. Man, I fucking hate shitting.

That's how I'm never convinced by fundamentalist/dogmatic religious types. Why I never wonder, "Well, maybe I might be going to hell because I don't believe that X is true". Why I don't, and never could, believe in creationism. I'm not saying there isn't a God*, but if we were created from scratch, you'd think God would have found a better way to deal with animal/human waste. Yes, there are so many remarkable things that happen in nature, it's hard to think they are all a series of "accidents". But in our attempt to appreciate nature, let's not gloss over the mistakes and shortcomings.

I've got quite a list of said shortcomings, but I'll only emphasize one of the many, shitting. Was this really the best way God could come up with, honestly? Huge smelly chunks, (solid, if you're lucky), coming out of your backside. Pissing, isn't so bad in comparison. In fact, I could give God and the idea of creationism a pass on that one. It only smells if you eat asparagus, or sits around in puddles for awhile. But shit? I don't think there are many of us that won't gag at the thought of a shit smeared toilet bowel, a stained pair of diapers, or a finger accidently smudged by poo. THAT comes out your ass, man, think about it!

Then again, who says God didn't do it because he loves toilet humor.


As you can tell, I'm a little bored to be talking about all of this. Everyone I need to interact with at work is "busy". The person I was working with on a project is out, and the manager I am dealing with always seems to be swamped with e-mail, and still hasn't gotten back to me in over two weeks, (not my manager, just a lead on this project). I am being "proactive", just not as much as I could be. Call it a morale problem.

Guess I should finish my work that has little impact on anyone. At least I have my own office again, starting today. You know what that means, (monster dot com).


* Frankly, who says evolution wasn't the way he did it? How else do you think he did it, fairy dust?