A little privacy please...
I hate taking a shit in public. I'm not some obsessive compulsive clean freak, (though, I do have my limits), but can a guy get some privacy when he takes a shit!? Maybe I'm one of the few guys out there that doesn't want to swap smells and sounds from my nether regions with others, I don't know.
What's worse is when it is with people you work with. I try not to take a dump in any public restroom. I usually always hold it for home, unless I am REALLY desperate. But when you spend 8+ hours in one place, that's not always possible. And that is the problem with work.
Thankfully, there is a restroom that is usually vacant in my building. It's on a different floor, but it is a short elevator ride away. I can usually go there and "drop a few friends off at the pool" in peace and quiet, (well, except for me, any ways). I think the floor is predominately female, so I am blessed with this alternative.
Lately, though, I think others have found this location. That, and I know of a few more guys whose office moved down there. When I go down there these days, there is a greater chance that someone is already squeezing out the Hershey kisses. I usually just come back later, it's better than the higher traffic restroom on my floor.
Today, however, was horrible. You could say that the "shit hit the fan".
I took a dump before coming to work today. I usually can't, because I'm not primed or something. Today, my guts were tore up, seriously! I thought I would have a shit free day at work because of this, until I took that first sip of coffee. Coffee doesn't always have that affect on me, but I wouldn't call it rare, either.
I go to the "alternative location", and there is someone already there. In fact, some guy comes in behind me. He takes a leak, but still, too crowded for "derailing the chocolate choo-choo". I go back to my floor, intent on coming back later.
My bowels would have none of that! The minute I got back to my floor, I just had to go. "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" I go to my restroom on my floor, AND THANK GOD, it's empty! I sit down, and prepare for the worst.
Well, it got worse. I barely sat down when someone came into the restroom. I hoped they would take a piss and leave. Nope, he sits in the stall next to me. Worst of all, I was in such a hurry, I sat in the middle of three stalls. So guess who comes in shortly after?
Shitter #3. I have feces in stereo, listening to the ol' ass trumpet section! The restroom scene in the first Austin Powers, comes to mind during this episode. Shortly after, a guy comes in to take a leak at one of the urinals. It was like a restroom barber shop quartet! That guy leaves, and so does shitter #2. A couple minutes later as #3 is leaving, someone comes in to substitute. Finally that guy leaves, and another leaker comes and goes, and I am alone. I can finally finish.
I would have wiped and gone earlier, but as I said, I was tore up. When you get like that, your muscles get twisted up, and you just don't stop feeling like you need to take a shit. Not only that, but something subconsciously stops me from doing the full push with people in the same room.
I know this is weird, (and TMI), but it's probably the only interesting thing that happened to me all day at work. It's also something that always bothers me. I really don't want to know what my co-workers sound like when they had a bad breakfast. I don't want to smell their waste. I don't want to hear them grunting and sighing as they pinch a loaf off. I don't want to here them struggling like they are about to have a heart attack because some turd won't come out. Or worse, hear a shot gun blast of defecation into the bowl of water, having it describe to me in gory detail what it looks like.
Call me crazy, but it's a bit too personal. I don't want to be in some meeting and gag, or bust out laughing, when I talk to someone I had to sit next to. And I don't want the reverse, either. I'm not asking for posh accommodations, or even something large. Just a small, enclosed and isolated stall with it's own fan, kind of like a guest bathroom. It's probably unrealistic, especially for a large building, but if I ever get say into a public restroom's design, that's what I'd do.
Sorry if I spoiled your appetite.
What's worse is when it is with people you work with. I try not to take a dump in any public restroom. I usually always hold it for home, unless I am REALLY desperate. But when you spend 8+ hours in one place, that's not always possible. And that is the problem with work.
Thankfully, there is a restroom that is usually vacant in my building. It's on a different floor, but it is a short elevator ride away. I can usually go there and "drop a few friends off at the pool" in peace and quiet, (well, except for me, any ways). I think the floor is predominately female, so I am blessed with this alternative.
Lately, though, I think others have found this location. That, and I know of a few more guys whose office moved down there. When I go down there these days, there is a greater chance that someone is already squeezing out the Hershey kisses. I usually just come back later, it's better than the higher traffic restroom on my floor.
Today, however, was horrible. You could say that the "shit hit the fan".
I took a dump before coming to work today. I usually can't, because I'm not primed or something. Today, my guts were tore up, seriously! I thought I would have a shit free day at work because of this, until I took that first sip of coffee. Coffee doesn't always have that affect on me, but I wouldn't call it rare, either.
I go to the "alternative location", and there is someone already there. In fact, some guy comes in behind me. He takes a leak, but still, too crowded for "derailing the chocolate choo-choo". I go back to my floor, intent on coming back later.
My bowels would have none of that! The minute I got back to my floor, I just had to go. "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" I go to my restroom on my floor, AND THANK GOD, it's empty! I sit down, and prepare for the worst.
Well, it got worse. I barely sat down when someone came into the restroom. I hoped they would take a piss and leave. Nope, he sits in the stall next to me. Worst of all, I was in such a hurry, I sat in the middle of three stalls. So guess who comes in shortly after?
Shitter #3. I have feces in stereo, listening to the ol' ass trumpet section! The restroom scene in the first Austin Powers, comes to mind during this episode. Shortly after, a guy comes in to take a leak at one of the urinals. It was like a restroom barber shop quartet! That guy leaves, and so does shitter #2. A couple minutes later as #3 is leaving, someone comes in to substitute. Finally that guy leaves, and another leaker comes and goes, and I am alone. I can finally finish.
I would have wiped and gone earlier, but as I said, I was tore up. When you get like that, your muscles get twisted up, and you just don't stop feeling like you need to take a shit. Not only that, but something subconsciously stops me from doing the full push with people in the same room.
I know this is weird, (and TMI), but it's probably the only interesting thing that happened to me all day at work. It's also something that always bothers me. I really don't want to know what my co-workers sound like when they had a bad breakfast. I don't want to smell their waste. I don't want to hear them grunting and sighing as they pinch a loaf off. I don't want to here them struggling like they are about to have a heart attack because some turd won't come out. Or worse, hear a shot gun blast of defecation into the bowl of water, having it describe to me in gory detail what it looks like.
Call me crazy, but it's a bit too personal. I don't want to be in some meeting and gag, or bust out laughing, when I talk to someone I had to sit next to. And I don't want the reverse, either. I'm not asking for posh accommodations, or even something large. Just a small, enclosed and isolated stall with it's own fan, kind of like a guest bathroom. It's probably unrealistic, especially for a large building, but if I ever get say into a public restroom's design, that's what I'd do.
Sorry if I spoiled your appetite.
posted by Buddha Bubba at 2:57 PM
5 Comments:
The thought of you sitting there, pants down, waiting while a veritable parade of people come and go...you growing more and more frustrated...fucking hilarious.
Sorry, but that's funny as hell.
OMG, I needed that laugh! You're hysterical, and I know EXACTLY what you mean!
Funny post. I too cant stand taking a shit at work for the same reasons you stated: privacy. I usually avoid it, try to hold it in untill I get home.
When I have to urinate, I still use one of the stalls for privacy as opposed to one of the out in the open stand up urinals.
I also hate going to the bathroom at work for another reason: sanitary conditions. Our bathroom at work is kept reasonabley clean by the janitor, BUT I still dont like to sit on a toilet that has been sat on by god knows how many strangers and co-workers before me (even with those paper toilet seat covers they provide still doesnt make me feel safe). Thankfully at home I have more than one bathroom. One for my own personal use that I allow NO ONE else to use (I live alone), and one for guests and visitors.
I hate the term "taking a shit", it gives such a disgusting image.
By the way, I always use the Disabled Toilets, they are always vacant and much more pleasant... and I place toilet paper down on the seat.. yes, did I mention, I am a woman.
"When I have to urinate, I still use one of the stalls for privacy"
Yea, me, too. Not like I sit down to pee or anything, I just like the walls. The urinals at my work place don't anything between them, and in fact, they seem to be quite close together. I just can't pee that close to someone, it's instinctual, I physically can't. It's like my bladder turned off a valve and went on strike.
I never put paper down. I just can't understand how a 1.5 ply, (at least it feels that way), piece of toilet paper can protect me. I use to, but I could always feel it shift under my weight. So then, not only am I sitting uncomfortablly, but I don't even have a sense of projection.
I try to avoid high traffic bathroom, too, because no matter how often a janitor might come in, it never feels enough. We have those automatic flushing toilets, and I've seen more than my fair share of fermenting floats in my day. Not only that, but I hate the "splatter effects" just below them rim from when someone had to go after eating bad Chinese food.
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